Do you ever wish you could change your face just for a day? Do you ever have a face off in the morning with the person in the mirror, "You again!" Great another pimple, this one has three heads. Get out of my life you son of a bitch. You ever mess with a pimple and it just comes back stronger like it's been pumping steroids all night?
Happens to me all the time. Do you ever see a girl that's so pretty and you say, "Hey how'd you get so pretty?" If you're ugly forget it, you're going to love from a distance. Maybe you're prettier on the inside but nobody looks at your insides. I guess the moral of the story is don't piss GOD off and he can smile down on your kids.

Mother's Day Poem To Mother Nature

Photo:
This is an example of how humans pollute their front yards. Taken in Brooklyn

In honor of the one day when it is necessary to show appreciation to a mother to all of us
MOTHER NATURE!

Dear Mother Nature
Happy Mother’s Day!
I got you a hallmark card because I feel like nothing says I love you more than a third party corporation telling you how I feel on fancy paper. This year only the best for you, Hallmark.

Our love for you is as pure as the air we breathe with the exception of the air quality in NY, NJ, and TEXAS which is seven times below what the federal government's standards.
Mama Nature you nurtured us, provided for us, and put your needs aside so we all could trample all over you.

Thank your fresh water you give that we’ve turned brown with oil, fecal matter, antifreeze, and pesticides. There is a solution to clean water, just add chlorine. I thought of that while I was letting the water run while I was brushing my teeth. And I don’t just appreciate fresh water but also salt water…thank you for the oceans where else can you go to swim with fish and pee at the same time. Thank You for the chicken of the sea dolphin safe tuna fish. I like to eat a sandwich without having the guilt of thinking what if I hurt a dolphin. If it weren’t for oceans where would we dump our garbage besides Staten Island? Where would the polar bear club swim? I vote for keeping the oceans.

Thank You for all the beautiful animals. I think it’s safe to say everyone loves animals whether it be for eating or hunting. Let’s remember that no animals go to waste because the dead diseased ones are grinded up and fed to the other animals which we eat so no wasting there. The fur is used to make rich people look richer. I don’t see what the problem with hunting is. In some places it’s so cold and dark that people suffer with Seasonal Affective Disorder from lack of sunlight and they have to club baby seals just to get by. If it’s going to be a person suffering or a baby seal I’ll put my money on the person with the money. I myself love animals I like to go visit the animals in jail ..I mean the zoo I like the convenience of knowing they are always there just in case I have the urge to see them. Sometimes I feel slightly guilty about taking away the grass that animals eat but come on we need places to walk imagine the world without sidewalks. There are some animals I wouldn’t mind seeing less of like rats, pigeons, or bunnies under my wheel.

Thank You for the beautiful sunsets there is nothing more beautiful than a sunset obstructed by many skyscrapers and one verizon symbol to commercialize lower Manhattan (this really pisses me off).

Thank You for the sun without it I get a little depressed.

Thank You for the Stars which I know exist but haven’t seen in a while.

Thank you for your beautiful mountains that we bomb through with dynamite. We need those roads to get to places. Let's face it every single person is someone going somewhere whether it be walmart or star bucks. A big thank You for all your herbs that can be used medicinally or for pure recreation. I wish I knew a Navajo medicine man? Does anyone know a Navajo man?

Thank You for Your Beautiful flowers for us to cut down. Without flowers battered wives would probably be more sad, somehow flowers in a vase make everything better, even if it‘s just for a few days. Thank You for Rose’s without them I would have no name…Rose meaning the sweetest flower…You can keep your carnations though I don’t like spray painted flowers.
The biggest shot out of all to mother nature for giving us our favorite thing to cut down. No not rainforests but trees everywhere! We need the space and resources to build our strip malls. Can you imagine a world without McDonalds, Payless shoe source, Marshalls, Borders, and Costco? I think the American Indians had this idea but we got rid of them real fast. I couldn’t live in a world without stores because I need things and I need them now. I don’t have the time to do the hunting or the sewing myself because I work hard making copies and answering phones really I’m just changing the world one salutation at a time. Without tree cutting I couldn’t waste as many napkins as I do. Let’s not forget the most important thing without trees we wouldn’t have the oxygen to breathe to be able to cut down more trees to make money. Let’s face it we need money. Money keeps the world going around. Some people love money more than GOD, more than their families, they even love money more than love. Some people spend their whole lives trying to get money, some people have more money than they could ever spend they should share some of that money with unfortunates like myself that did not have the foresight to have been born wealthy. With a little more money than I have I could get braces continue to make the world a better place one smile at a time, but now I only have a half of smile. I saddens me to say it but in some countries money is even more important that people’s lives and if you don’t believe me try to get a doctor’s appointment with no money or health insurance.
My lovely mother nature, I regret to inform you that the only reward of motherhood is watching your children grow, drain, build, dump, and shit all over you. If you can’t shit on your family then who can you shit on?
I’m going to celebrate this mothers by giving you this hallmark card that I paid $ 3.95 for and I’m going to throw give it to you by throwing it on the ground. Mother Nature this mother’s day you will be showered love in litter form with used condoms, banana peels, soda cans, you name it they’ll throw it.

3000 BC Grave

Poulnabrone Dolmen 3,000 BC.

The day after Easter Sunday I went April 8th 2007. I had to run away to get alone with myself. I took a tour to Cliffs of Moher, the bus driver Peter was one of the most lovely people ever. He was so soft spoken, the Spanish people kept talking on the bus. In the 1980's they excavated this site to find the bones of a bunch of Celts. I wonder if people in the future will go and dig up my bones? How long will our bones last for? Will it be as if we never existed at all. I will probably leave a huge mess behind!

Along the bus journey we also passed a cave sealed up with white painted horses on it. The cave was said to be haunted when a few brave Irishmen drunk on whiskey courage decided to go into the cave. When they were in they heard horrifying screaming and white horses chased them. They sealed the cave up to protect others from the ghosts of the screaming horses. They marked the cave with white horses.

This is the third time I caught the boquet at the wedding

The last three weddings I went to I caught the bouquet. At my brothers wedding I had to wrestle a four year old girl. When I pryed the bouquet from her hands my boyfriend fakes a heart attack!!!!

I did stand up at the wedding and I thought people were going to tell me they liked my fisting jokes instead they were like, "Phil the heart attack, Genius!"

The second wedding Lisa Hurst's wedding a girl from her sorority and I caught it. She made such a big scene after she fell on the ground, "Allright just take it" After reviewing the videotape in front of a jury everyone agrees she indeed lost her balance and I did not push her! Allright!!!!

Melissa's wedding I caught the bouquet again, jeez!! Talk about fate! I am so ready to get married. You should have seen the guys fighting over me! Except my boyfriend all three times, did not really try so hard. If it were the other way around, and Phil caught the bouquet. I would take out anyone I had to. Just like the time I played tackle football with a gang of lesbians.

These lesbians were two hundred pounds and six feet tall. Of course they wanted to play tackle football anything for a cheap feel. Yeah right! One girl threw me down in the sand, and I got sand in my mouth. I look at her with a look of revenge as I spit the dirt from my mouth. Then on the next play I jumped in the air sideways with all my strength I kicked the giant lesbian with all my might in the stomach! And down she went it was like David and Goliath. I was playing the role of David of course. Except it was tackle football.

An Albino Squirrel

I saw this pasty little guy in prospect park. He is the cutest squirrel I have ever seen. I wonder if he is accepted amongst the squirrel community or do they give him a hard time for being different, something to think about.

Here I am in a little hole in the wall in Galway Ireland. When I was a kid any place like this to hide was heaven. I used to hide in the top shelf in my closet, or in the dryer. We used to have a blackberry tree that would bloom in the summer time. The ground would be stained with purple splotches. I called the blackberry tree "the cool tree" I used to sit up in there and ponder. When I was in second grade, I told this girl that there was a place in my closet that opened up to another dimension where I would I could bounce around like I was on the moon. Of course there were all you could eat Doritos. Junk food was scarce in our house actually food in general, but we were rich in condiments.

Hello New Best Friend!

2/25/2006

Last night I saw Hotel Rwanda and I cried like a little bitch. Am I the only one? This movie reached inside and touched me. This movie was based on true story that took place in Rwanda during a genocide of nearly one million people. Paul Rusesabagina, a hotel manager, with a sense of duty, and a pair of balls, singlehandedly saved the lives of nearly 12,000 people.

On the special features of the DVD of Hotel Rwanda, Paul visited one of the execution sites. I was shocked to see a pile of children with their skulls sliced open by machete. You can almost make out the frozen screams on the corpses. Who is capable of such a horrific act? Is the person holding the machete more or less human than anyone else?

Throughout history, it is evident how man can be manipulated. How can thousands of people follow one man into war? Or for that matter, join a cult? Better yet, how can one convince another to murder his own neighbor? If they were alive, we could ask, Hitler, Stalin, or Napoleon, how they won over such a large number of people. For a bunch of humans we act a lot like sheep following anyone, that appears they know the way.

When I was in Europe, I was amazed how much world news is covered. On the ten o'clock news I see more updates on American Idol than casualties in Iraq? Why is that? We are spoon fed ideas of what we should look like, what we should wear, what we should listen to. Top dollar is paid for our minds people and the media controls it.

I am a little disgusted in our human race right now. I feel a sense of duty but I don't know where to start. I look at Paul Rusesabagina and feel so little. Followed with, what have I done? Nothing really. I do make people laugh without getting paid, that is a form of charity isn't it? I'd like to do something more meaningful with my life. Maybe I could befriend a midget? Does anyone know any midgets, that like to dance? I could use a midget, for my dance show on March 25th @ The Bowery Poetry Club. Maybe all I have to offer the world is some good jokes and a dance to "Part Time Lover", by Stevie Wonder.

You see silly monkeys I snuck in an advertisement and you didn't even notice.

Anyway, thanks for listening blog, you remind me of doogie howser.